Vicky tried to murder me

Today I got a serious cardio workout. By the end of it, I was heaving, sweating, and red in the face. Some of my skin might have come off in the process.

I'm talking about trying on a bra. And not just any bra. This was a Victoria's Secret body shaping bra - one that lifts and hoists the twins and sucks in everything that bulges.

Unfortunately, I chose my bra size. One would think that this garment would go over my body with ease, as I chose my size. Um, that would be a negative, sir. No, see, apparently a woman with my bra size shouldn't have the butt size I have. There's no taking into account that some women are bottom heavy.

So here I am, in the dressing room, super excited about being able to look good in my clothes with the help of this bra/body shaper. Little did I know the experience would be one of rib-crushing pain.

For my first attempt I step into the shaper. I begin to pull up on the bra, only for it to get stuck around my thighs. I manage to shove it back down my legs.

For attempt number two I decide that perhaps the shaper is made to go over the head. So I slip my arms through the straps and begin to pull down... And pull... And pull... Um... It's stuck. I begin to tug. Tug. Tug. TUG!!!

Yeah, it's stuck.

There is no way I am pushing the help button. I do not need assistance getting out of a stupid bra. I will conquer.

Little by little I begin my tug of war with the body shaper. Inch by inch I pull. I suck in my stomach. I squeeze. I hold my breath. I wince. The time elapsed is about ten minutes. But I have managed to get on the body shaper.

And I can't breathe.

Oh my gosh, this bra is cutting me in half.

I can hear my internal organs crying.

On top of all that, it doesn't even look good. I now realize that this bra does not fit. What was I thinking? I should have known this would happen. I even told myself this would happen. What is the matter with me?

Oh, yeah. I'm fat.

Now the real battle begins. I need a game plan. I don't think I can pull it back over my head. Luckily, the straps on this thing are removable.

I remove the straps and begin the process of peeling my skin away from the shaper. At this point I'm almost positive it has somehow adhered to my body. To make matters worse, the shaper has non-skid surfacing on the inside. This it meant to keep the shaper from riding up and bunching. However, it also keeps it from being removed from the body at all.

I seriously consider putting my clothes back on over the shaper, buying it, then cutting myself out of it at home. But it costs $70! No. Freakin' Way.

I consider the level of embarrassment this will cause me, should I have to push the help button and get a sales woman to pull me out of the garment. It would be an embarrassment of epic proportions.

Around this time, my phone starts ringing. It's my dad. I cannot answer this phone call. I CANNOT talk to my dad while I am stuck in a bra, with my boobage hanging out. Sorry, dad... I'll have to call you back.

I keep pulling. Tugging. More sucking. More breath-holding. I have made some progress. The hardest part is pulling it down over my butt. But once I get it past my widest part, it's a much easier process.

After another ten minutes of wincing, I'm free. My skin is red and chafed. I'm actually panting. I need water.

It's time to go.

I've had enough humiliation for one day. I want to go home. Sad-pants.

One good thing that has come out of this experience is my continued resolve to lose weight. The bad thing, I realize, is that Victoria's Secret is discriminatory against bigger girls. The kind of woman who can fit into this brand of body shaper doesn't need to wear one. She's the woman who eats raisin skins and celery and still thinks she's fat. She could be a Victoria's Secret model herself - none of those models need to wear a body shaper.

So why not make a body shaper for a woman with real curves? You know, Vicky, the lumpy kind - not the little ripple of skin under your belly button or the cellulite under your butt. That doesn't count.

I'm not saying I'm going to stop shopping at Victoria's Secret. I really like their memory foam bra, and their PINK collection is one of my faves. I'm just going elsewhere for my body shaping needs. Like the gym.