Barnes and Noble increases jobs for old people - staring contest winners inquire within

Beware the Barnes and Noble Cafe Guard. She will... stare at you!



It was a day just like any other day. Jack and I are taking a stroll around the outdoor-made-to-look-like-Italy-mall when we decide to quench our thirsts and Jack's intense desire for pastry at the Barnes and Noble Cafe.



I push the stroller to the dessert case, where Jack repeatedly points to the largest puffed rice treat imaginable and yells "Mama! Mama! Mama!" thus expressing his need for sugar and sweets. (At the time Jack was only a little over a year old and therefore not the great linguist he is today. "Mama! Mama! Mama!" was about all he could muster to show his want for something, other than his classic last-ditch arsenal of blood curtling screams. But we weren't at DEFCON 1 just yet.)



Thanks to my magnificent mommying skills, I quiet Jack with the promise of an ooey, gooey rice treat. (Bribery is a one-hundred percent legit form of parenting at this stage in development.)



So I order my vanilla soy latte and a vanilla steamer and a crispy rice treat for my little Roo-Bear... and then I see... Is that lady staring at me? ... Naaaahhh... She's probably just trying to read the menu from her seat at the cafe... Just pay, get the food, and go... Oh my gosh, I think that old lady is staring at me! Do I have something on my face? Do I know her from somewhere!?


It takes very little time to realize that this old woman is, in fact, staring a hole through my head. The only thing... I still can't figure out why. (And I just feel it neccesary to point out here: Jack has been quiet from the moment I shushed him at the beginning of this encounter.)



I push the stroller (with Jack in it) and all my stuff over to the sugar and milk area, where I plan to pour Jack's steamed milk into a bottle for him. But what happens as I do this? Yep, old-pants woman is staring at me again. Now I am just annoyed. Why is she still staring at me!? I don't get it!



I finish pouring the milk in Jack's bottle, give him a piece of his pastry, get everything adjusted with the stroller, and begin to leave. Only... old-pants is still following me with her eyes. Are you kidding me here!?



I find this to be an appropriate time to respond. "Can I help you with something?" I ask, as politely as I can. I mean, she's been staring and squinting her eyes at me for a good ten minutes now. The old woman says nothing. She just keeps staring. I continue walking away.



But I can feel her eyes on me. Oh my gosh! She is still staring! I stop. I turn. I look directly into her squinty little eyes and ask, "Why are you staring at me?" Finally, she speaks: "THAT WOMAN OVER THERE (points to woman in corner of cafe) IS STUDYING!" to which I reply, "Okay. Thanks for telling me?" To this, old woman says, "THAT WOMAN IS TRYING TO STUDY, AND YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CHILD OVER THERE! (points to opposite side of the cafe)" (Apparently, there is a special mother/child area of the cafe I was unaware of, where parents can take their socially inappropriate children, in order to spare non-parent-customers the indignity of breathing the same air as a baby.)



By this time, I am about as offended as I've ever been offended. To add insult to injury, the "studying woman" has earbuds in and isn't paying a bit of attention to the scene the self-nominated Cafe Guard has just caused. Everyone else within the entire bookstore, however, has heard the exchange, including the store manager, who at this time approaches me, asking if there is a problem. I say yes, that the old woman is harrassing me, telling me I have to leave a public place because my son, who is sitting quietly in his stroller drinking milk, is "disturbing" people by his very presence alone. The manager talks to the Cafe Guard, to no avail.



As I stand in the middle of the cafe, still very much confused and amazed at the events that have just transpired, I see that mostly everyone has gone back to their own business. Everyone, except old-pants. She continues to stare at me as I turn to leave, and then as a fellow customer (who has witnessed the scene) and I discuss the fact that a cafe is a public place where anyone is allowed, and that if one expects perfect library-like quiet, then perhaps one should find said library and leave the rest of us in peace, and the fact that old-pants woman actually caused more noise than my sweet little boy ever did. Cafe Guard stares at me as fellow customer and I finish our chat, as I walk past her, and finally as I make my way toward the door of the bookstore.



I still look for Cafe Guard each time I go back to the Noble. Partly, because I'm kind of scared of her. Partly, because I want to sock her in the face. But mostly... because I feel there was some specific reason she was there that day. Maybe she needed a hug. Of course, if I'd tried to give her one, she probably would have shanked me. Crazy-pants!